Perfect World

I never could've seen this far.
I never could've seen this coming.
It seems like my world's falling apart, yeah.
Why is everything so hard?
I don't think that I could deal
with the things you said
just won't go away.

When I accepted the bracelet from Luke I didn't think much about it. He was kind and charming, as well as handsome. The bracelet was just another gift among so many others. Just another promise. I thought I was in love. I never could've guessed it would turn out this way. There was no prophesy for me to tell what would happen, no one saw this coming. Well, most likely it was me who didn't see this coming. Everyone knew he was a traitor, that he served Kronos, he made false promises. But I wasn't looking so far. He had shown me kindness that I hadn't experienced from other boys, being a daughter of Aphrodite made us pretty vain after all. Then I fell for Beckendorf and I realized what real love was, I realized what it meant to be daughter of goddess of love for real. And Luke promised that nothing would ever happen to him, if I kept doing my part, I believed him, my old crush. Then it all crumbled to pieces and the pieces turned into dust like Luke should've been blown to. Like dust that Beckendorf turned to. Along with Princess Andromeda my dreams, my heart and my whole world blew apart and sank to darkness. Everything became so difficult and heavy. It became harder to get myself up from bed and even harder to eat. I forced myself to walk the same paths that I did with Charles. It became so hard to deal with the war, to deal with all the little fighting among the campers. It all seemed so… Meaningless. I couldn't forget Luke's promise, and I couldn't forget Charles's soft voice when he whispered in my ear. Silently I hoped that Luke would have died with his ship, but I knew he didn't. And I was glad at the same time, I still clung to him, for reasons that are hard to explain. I wished he could fill the hole Charles left behind. I knew he couldn't, but I clung to it anyway.

In a perfect world
this could never happen.
In a perfect world
you'd still be here.
And it makes no sense,
I could just pick up the pieces, but to you
this means nothing, nothing at all.

While I sat by the lake and tried to make my decisions, Luke always came back. He sneaked in my head in moments I was weak. The moments that I hesitated, the moments when I was unsure of what to do. He had promised me perfect world. Where nothing bad would happen. Everything would be in order. He'd be there for me. There would be no violence and disorder humans brought among them. No more wars. I could've believed him, stayed in belief that we were heading to the perfect world, but after Charles was gone, the doubts came back. The old me and most of Aphrodite's children would've thought it impossible and stupid to feel like the world had fallen into darkness after losing just one person. That it was impossible for child of Aphrodite to love someone so much. It wouldn't have made any sense. But I believed it now. Now that it hurt like ever bleeding wound in my heart. And to know, that Luke didn't think anything about it. I was left behind to pick up the pieces of my world, slowly, one at a time. While to Luke, to Kronos, it meant nothing. His world was solid, waiting ahead. He couldn't understand, or even see my agony. That gave me strength to doubt when Luke's blue eyes and gentle words sneaked in my thoughts.

I used to think that I was strong,
until the day it all went wrong.
I think I need a miracle to make it through, yeah.
I wish that I could bring you back,
I wish that I could turn back time
'cause I can't let go,
I just can't find my way, yeah.
Without you I just can't find my way.

I was always so sure of myself. Nothing could go wrong. I was beautiful, I could wrap any boy I wanted around my finger. Charles wiped that vanity from me. I didn't need to be beautiful, I didn't need to charm anyone. I was fine with him. I was strong then. I don't know, if it was a good thing anymore, without my vanity, without my Charles, my strength, what did I have left? Everything went wrong then. I was heartbroken little girl, who was helping to destroy the people that her love had died to save. It felt like every single thing was wrong in me. I couldn't look into mirror, because everything looked the same as it did when he was still here. Everything should be different now, it was wrong that everything stayed same even when he was gone, because it was so wrong for him to be gone. I lost hope so many times I can't count anymore, war pulled me up for short whiles, quite literally, since it was Clarisse to help me up and dust my clothes when I stumbled. I needed a miracle. I needed Charles back. If Nico, who I among many others so despised, would've shown himself in front of me, I would've begged and broken in front of him, so he would bring him back. Wisely, Nico stayed away. As well as looking hope from Nico, I looked hope from Kronos. He was the Titan of Time, in my head, he could've turned back the time. In my head, I travelled back and saved Charles, or made Percy save him. I imagined thousands possibilities that could've get him back for me. I simply couldn't let go. I was obsessed. In my obsession, I forgot which way to go, I forgot who to serve. He wasn't pointing a way for me anymore.

In a perfect world
this could never happen,
in a perfect world
you'd still be here.
And it makes no sense,
I could just pick up the pieces, but to you
this means nothing, nothing at all.

It was only in the battle that I found the way again. After seeing so many people get hurt. After remembering Charles' proud and glad face when someone walked out of the forge with new shield or sword to defend himself. There was so much death of people who we had loved, that I found a path that could take me to him. That would help me make his death worth something more. I realized that it wasn't my perfect world Kronos led. My perfect world had crumbled when Charles died. In my perfect world, there wouldn't have been this war, not this battle. In my perfect world, Charles would've been there, and we would've stayed together until the end. It made no sense to me, why he had had to die before me. So I chased the path to him desperately. This time leaving the pieces to the ground. They were the pieces of my perfect world, a world that would no longer exist. Not here. All the while, Luke didn't get my sorrow. It meant nothing to him. I wanted to make him see it. My pain. So I went to Camp and brought the children of Ares, to cut the spike he tried to thrust in pieces of Charles' and my perfect world.

I don't know what I should do now.
I don't know where I should go.
I'm still here waiting for you,
I'm lost when you're not around.
I need to hold on to you,
I just can't let you go, yeah, yeah.

In the Camp, there was only one moment of uncertainty. When Clarisse refused to listen to me, when she tried to take away my only hope of showing Luke what he took from me. I didn't know what to do. My heart was screaming for Charles, but my mind was screaming for vengeance. I was running between the border of the Camp and Ares's cabin. I didn't know where to go. So I stopped. I sat down by the lake and waited. No one came for me. I was lost. Clarisse didn't pull me up this time. I sank, I needed to hold on to someone, but there was no one. But I couldn't let go. I wasn't holding on to anyone, but I still couldn't let go. When I got back to surface again, when I got something to hold onto, I knew, once again, what to do.

In a perfect world
this could never happen.
In a perfect world
you'd still be here.
And it makes no sense,
I could just pick up the pieces, but to you
this means nothing, nothing at all.
You feel nothing, nothing at all.

Clarisse is holding on to me now. It hurts, somewhere else than my heart this time. I'm bleeding. I'm dying. I'm going to Charles. To the perfect world, I realize. There is no pain, no death in perfect world. It took so long for me to realize, where I can find it. But I finally got it, and then held on to it. I'm heading there now. As my eyes flutter shut, it all makes sense, why he died, the war. I see the work of the Fates behind every turn of my life. It's a giant spider's web, but there is a pattern I can see now and I can see myself and Charles in that pattern, right where we were supposed to be. No longer are we under the rule of Fates, though we're free. I can see everything in the web of lives. It stops bothering me, that Luke doesn't feel my loss, that it means nothing to him. Because I see what Fates have for him. And it doesn't mean anything to me. I'm
heading for perfect world. And now, there is only silence. Only emptiness.

Nothing at all.

And Charles.